My Uncle's Special Forces Memorial Day Siesta

I went over to my parents' house for a barbeque today. After everyone ate, a few people went to sleep. My uncle decided to do his post-barbeque sleeping on my parents' sofa. My uncle does some really, really loud snoring. He's a big guy, and he's a back sleeper, so you can imagine what his snoring sounds like. My dad snores loudly, too, and for a time, they were both snoring in the living room. In stereo.

Here's the thing about my uncle. He's retired now, but he used to be in the Army Special Forces. That's one of the branches of the Army that does secret stuff. I don't know what the secret stuff is, but it requires maps and guns and two-way radios, and they paint their faces green and jump out of helicopters. Oh, and they have a beer afterwards and rock out to Van Halen. I saw it in a TV commercial. Maybe that's an oversimplification, but whatever it is, it's not drum-beating, hunting, male bonding or anything that requires condoms. At least I don't think that it requires condoms. Maybe after they have the beer? Don't ask; don't tell.

Anyhow, I can't imagine that snoring would be good in the field. Not very secret. Not the way my uncle does it anyhow. Let's say that you're trying to hide out or sneak up on an enemy. Well, for one thing, you're not going to be sneaking up on an enemy in your sleep, so scratch that notion. Not unless you're sleepwalking. But if you're trying to hide out, it might be kind of a problem. I'm not talking a little problem, either. I'm not talking about a "your buddy's going sneak up and draw a Sharpie moustache on you while you're asleep," kind of problem. I'm talking about getting captured or killed. That's the problem I'm talking about.

You'd think that if you were a loud snorer in the Special Forces, that Uncle Sam might cough up some taxpayer bucks to get that fixed. I've heard sleepless wives calling radio talk-show doctors and asking about this operation that will fix their husbands' snoring problem, so I know there's a cure for that really loud snoring. I have yet to hear Donald Rumsfeld on one of those call-in doctor shows, though. People always talk about how media-averse he is, so I guess it's not a surprise that he hasn't called in. Or, maybe it's just not such a priority for the Army. Too bad. My uncle could've used that operation.